When a stranger calls

I spent my childhood quaking down to the tips of my little yellow rain boots whenever the telephone rang.

For this fear of telephones and the sounds they make, I can thank the film When a Stranger Calls, which I saw at the impressionable age of six or seven. For those of you who haven't seen the film, the horrorgraphy is as follows: young and pretty babysitter hasn't checked the children. She receives phone calls from a stranger asking her if she has checked the children. She doesn't check the children but rings the police who trace the calls and they say (this line still gives me the heebie jeebies) "we have traced the calls and they are coming from your house". Yep, the stranger is upstairs and he has killed the kids.

This film shaped my life in that I took up dog walking for extra dosh rather than babysitting, and I felt safer on the streets than inside my home.

I am still scared of phones now but as I don't have an upstairs anymore I'm scared for other reasons.

I'm scared when the phone rings it is going to be one of those people from my past who I have long since given the old high ho but who pop up every now and again like rusty jack in the boxes and expect me to be in exactly the same spot that I was years ago, still wanting and needing the same things.

I am also scared it is going to be one of those double vitrage people. I'm wondering how much of a demand there is for double-glazing in Paris. More people have tried to double glaze me in the last year than they have asked me directions to the Moulin Rouge. These used to be long conversations but i've learnt now to let the magic word locataire flutter from my tongue - "sorry, I rent!" and there is nothing left to say except bonne journée, although some hang around a bit longer despite the icy winds coming from my voice.

I also receive a whole host of calls from people wanting to change my internet connection. In order to avoid these terrifying phone experiences I’ve started to, quite simply, not be me:
Could I speak with Mademoiselle Pinochiette?
Nah, she's not here at the moment
Well when can I speak with her
Ummm…she is only here between 2am and 3am Friday and Sunday mornings

So I hate phones. But when a stranger texts, well that’s ok.